Back OFF or Hold ON?

How much should I support my ADHD college student from afar?

This has to be the number one question parents of struggling college students ask.

Parents who send their ADHD brained college student, or student who struggles with executive functioning, to campus for the first time, are genuinely curious as to their role in supporting their student once they are in college. There is some confusion, misunderstanding, and a desperate need for guidance as they navigate new positions in life.

Most parents of ADHD brained students have filled the role of being the prefrontal cortex for their child for the last eighteen years. Now, they want to know if this role needs to transfer with the student when they move to college.

Should they hold on or back off? Let us explore if this parental role needs to be all-or-nothing and polarized or if there are ways to support from a distance.

Instinctually, parents want safety and success for their students. The ultimate role of a parent is to lead to independence. Some parents, however, who have a student who struggles to self-direct each day, have the strong urge to support their student’s struggles, sometimes while “braining” for them. Parents want to see their college student succeed, and sometimes this means being the CEO of their student’s every responsibility.

As one parent recently stated, "This (the college transition) will be the true test whether my child learned how to do anything on his own for the last seventeen years."

Yes, the ADHD brain struggles to remember, to plan, to control impulses, to organize, to see time and manage tasks accordingly, to hold onto information so that a task gets done, and to execute in completion, in a timely fashion. Some non ADHD brains struggle with executive functioning in these capacities, as well. The most effective support, beyond medication and education, for the college ADHD brain is the creation and implementation of external reminder systems that can essentially be the CEO of the brain.

The prefrontal cortex requires (REQUIRES) external reminders as first and second lines of support, and the question remains, how much of this is the parents' responsibility once the student lands on campus. 

"Should I help him set up his schedule each week?" 
"Should I check-in with her every morning to make sure she gets to class?"
"Do I need to call her every night to see if she has completed her homework?"  "What about medication? How do I know she is taking her Vyvanse every day?"

Once again, should parents hold on or back off?

The answer is…you can do a combination approach with ninety percent of your efforts going towards backing off. The parent does not need to hold on and continue being the prefrontal cortex for the college aged student.

Regardless of an ADHD diagnosis, the transition to freshman year is difficult as this is the time in life that children become young adults. Backing off during this time of change does not mean drawing the curtain and closing shop. It does not mean a total hands-off approach. Backing off means trusting your challenged student will design a system of operation while attending to the many demands and expectations of college. What if your student has no idea how to design a system of operation for college? Does this mean this is your responsibility? 

Peg Dawson and Richard Guare, executive function gurus and authors of the Smart but Scattered series, talk about this very issue in depth. "As they mature, life's demands on these skills increase, and even if you've been substituting for your son or daughter's frontal lobes so far, continuing to do so not only becomes less and less practical, but is also counterproductive when the goal is to nudge your child towards independence." (Smart but Scattered, but Stalled, 2019).

While playing the role of the CEO for the freshman feels safe, free of guilt, and second-nature, there is a way to gradually back off *while holding on, even as you sit a thousand miles away.

The new role (and goal) is to foster self-management and self-direction without directing, executing, and producing for your student.

​You might consider retiring from the CEO position, and assuming a team player position with your student. Practice collaboration, clear and consistent communication, and defined expectations as your student adjusts to this new level of self-management.

Here are 20 simple ways parents of college students who have an ADHD brain can back off while holding on, and support through failures, disappointments, frustrations:

1. Check in on you own needs as you send your student to college.
2. Evaluate your readiness to let go.
3. Redefine your role as the parent (CEO to team player).
4 Set up expectations and micro goals WITH your student.
5. Establish routine weekly (not daily) check-in days and times with your student.
6. Help your student design a semester vision and decide how you can help them self-direct to that goal without being their prefrontal cortex.
7. Encourage (and even demand) self-advocating in college.
8. Encourage and help propel the student to set up accommodations.
9. Encourage rest and refueling of dopamine for your student- help them create a dopamine menu.
10. Anticipate failure and be ready to help the student process how to overcome the accompanying emotions (build resilience and mental strength.)
11. Have your student define independence and what this looks like and feels like.
12. Define together areas of potential derailment and challenge (distractions, emotional regulation, wellness, stress management) before landing on campus.
13. Define progress and success. What does progress and success look like and feel like week to week?
14. Lessen the attractiveness of relying on parents.
15. Set up conditions for your student (their role and expectations as a college student). 
16. Release the idea that your student will always struggle and will always need you.
17. Remind yourself you are supporting your student's brain development as you back off.
18. Remember executive dysfunction is not a matter of intelligence (most of the time), but rather the inability to produce and execute.
19. Make sure your student's goals align with his cognitive abilities at this point in time (realistic expectations and metacognitive skills).
20. Understand that independence in college is a process so refill your parent patience, fortitude, persistence, attitude, motivation, efforts, and dedication. 
 
As you pass the baton of CEO of Thriving to your student, remember that self-control leads to self-esteem. Self-management and execution of daily successes leads to self-confidence. And affirming your love for your child is not dependent upon their successes and failures. ADHD does not define your student's life. It does not define your role as a parent. Your student gets to define her own life with having an ADHD brain, with and without your support.